Saigon Traffic: More Details

I know they say pictures are worth 1,000 words. I don't know what moving pictures count for, but I did make a grainy video of the traffic here. Anyway, I know that 1,000 words is worth at least roughly 1,000 words as well, but with the dollar in crisis and fluctuating exchange rates... I thought I would write about the traffic problems I face here every day (in no particular order).

General Info:

People often wonder what side of the road any given country drives on. In Vietnam, people may wonder, do they drive on the right or the left? The answer is yes. And on the sidewalk. On any given street there are one or two official lanes going this way and the opposite, and an unofficial lane going every conceivable direction but vertical.

A couple terms, or rather moves:
The Human Shield: When making a left-hand turn across a busy lane of traffic, wait for some other motorbike to start venturing through it and drive safely through his temporary, small traffic dam.
Piggy-Backing: People do stupid things in big long single-file lines, usually traveling in an unofficial lane. If the particular thing is convenient at any given time, you just add yourself to the line.

The Horns!!!:

Dear Lord in Heaven (I am not blaspheming or breaking any commandments here, this is a sincere prayer from my heart) the horns in Vietnam are overwhelming, and turning my nerves into 100% pure cancer (yes it's a possibility in the realm of physics--a note for the reader, not for God).

It is like early afternoon on December 25th and everyone in Vietnam got a horn this Christmas morning. If six people are already honking at a red light that will soon turn green, is it necessary to add your horn to the cacophony? I have started driving with headphones, which admittedly does not make this obscenely dangerous traffic any safer, but it does keep the bile from rising to my mouth.

Turn Signals:

Worthless.
You turn on your indicator and people continue to pass you on the side that you are clearly expressing your intentions to turn. I almost died a number of times before I caught onto this. If you think there isn't enough space between you and the curb for someone to disrupt your right-hand turn you are sorely mistaken. Of course they will honk their horn 18 times to make you aware of their presence, but because everyone else is also honking, this noxious noise gets lost in the ambiguity of the horrible horn noise pollution.

Laziest, Highest/Lowest Angle, Blindest Turning:

If you're pulling up to an intersection to turn right as true to the corner as possible, you are quite likely to run into someone turning left onto the road that you are on.

Moto-Conferencing:

People everywhere like to talk while they drive. It reduces boredom. If traffic sucks, it gets your mind off the slow progress you are making. It makes a chore a social activity. But when people are talking while driving on two different motorbikes on the narrow roads of Vietnam it can be quite troublesome. You want to get by them, but because they are looking at each other and not at the road the gap between them and to either side fluctuates so that's a bit like Indiana Jones diving under the lowering wall. So of course you honk at them, but they can't hear you over their own honks, which they are applying to make people aware of their dreadfully slow moving moto-conference.

Plenty more to come at a later date.

Duck/Fork Warning

Today's lesson included the vocabulary 'duck' and 'fork.' I'll be honest, I didn't see the danger in this until the first Vietnamese 6-year-old got a little mixed up and swore at me viciously (and I'm not talking about the word 'dork,' which I didn't hear). I tried my best not to respond at all, but it was funny to hear the f-bomb dropped by such innocent aggressors.
One of my students showed up with this cupcake necklace (double-click on the picture for a better view). I think it's the coolest thing ever. Can you blame me for trying to steal it? I may have 20 years and 3 feet on her, but she played her ace card early, started crying, and is still the owner of the legendary jewelry. Can you believe that somehow I turned out to be the bad guy? Pfft!

Eating in Vietnam is usually pretty good. I do like eating Vietnamese food, but going to the non-touristy restaurants can be very challenging. Even when the menus are translated, the translations can be a little ambiguous. Last night I was pretty sure that I knew what the 'Pig's Anas' was, and that I was not interested. I even had guesses for what the 'Fried Shrimps in Rolling' might be all about. But I was baffled by the 'Sauteed Pork in Dog Pretending.' I didn't go for that. I felt like fish, and with the help of my cute waitress and some bizarre gesticulations, I got a really nice dish for the price of small fries at McDonalds.

American Gladiators Returns!

So politicians and media won't shut up about steroid use 5 years ago in my beloved Major League Baseball, and meanwhile NBC is bringing back American Gladiators. Let me tell you one thing; nothing made me want to do steroids more as an 8-year-old than watching the jousting, hand-biking, tennis ball cannon-firing of the original American Gladiators.



I wouldn't let this new guy 'Titan' (above, left) wash the original Nitro's homoerotic unitard. Old names like 'Laser' and 'Tank' (nos. 1 and 2) have been replaced by 'Wolf' and 'Tor.' At least linking the generations and the 'roids is Hulk Hogan.

Quitting Paxil

I take Paxil and it's nasty. It helped when I needed it to--during a time when I was suffering serious anxiety attacks that were leading to other health issues, such as nearly daily migraines and a rash that I would get in the sunshine (am I the only person you know who has been misdiagnosed with porphyria cutanea tardae?).
Over the last couple years I have felt that I am ready to move past this drug which can leave me kind of flat and lifeless from time to time.
But it's been too damn hard so far.
When I was given this prescription my doctor likely didn't know about the withdrawal that Paxil can often cause. I certainly didn't. The manufacturers don't call it 'withdrawal,' they call it 'discontinuation syndrome' because they figure they can sell more pills that way.
Watch this video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=hfQUTHrWnRk
Or just skip to about 4:50, and you can see a page from the packet given to pharmaceutical representatives trying to push this drug. We see under a heading 'Discontinuation: Why this is an issue' a big sack of money with a '$' a la old cartoons.
So anyway, some people are getting pretty rich shoving pills down people's throats while I am suffering electric shock sensations, dizziness, headaches, moments of profound stupidity and confusion, terrifying unending--uncontrollable streams of thoughts running around my brain, horrible lucid dreams that make sleep worthless (leaving me sleeping an awful lot and still tired), and an altogether, overall worthlessness: I can't function while trying to quit this drug.
I don't have 8 weeks to just lie in bed while this drug works its way out of my body. Shortly after I received my prescription giant pharmaceutical Glaxo Smith Kline changed the literature provided to patients and doctors to include the serious number of incidents of 'discontinuance.' I didn't get in on the lawsuit against GSK, and I don't want their money. But I'd love to kick someone in the crotch about it.
America is one of only two Western western countries that allows mass marketing of pharmaceuticals.

Hey everyone or anyone. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I got the help of some of my friends. Perhaps they struggle with remembering the words, but the sincerity is there.

As for a gift, here is an idea for a movie you could write:

Steven Segal has 3 days to learn to sculpt busts at a professional level or his son will be drafted to the front lines of Iraq. The only problem is Segal is slowly turning into a vegetable... or a fruit--either is fine.

That should make you a couple mil easy.

Everything is good here in Nam.
I love (some of) You

Happy Helmet Day!

Yesterday maybe 3 out of 100 motorbike drivers I saw was wearing a helmet. Today it was more like 97 out of 100. Pretty crazy. I knew that a helmet law was coming about, I just thought no one was actually going to follow through.
It was a bit surreal really. It's like going to the mall and seeing the herds all wearing mittens for some reason. My theory is that people will just drive more dangerously to compensate for the added safety of the helmet. The most reassuring thing is that the children and babies are wearing helmets now too. When people ride with toddlers, the kids often just stand on the seat between mom and dad... at least they're in helmets now.

December 3

Here's a tip for traveling in Vietnam. Bring a couple dozen wallet-sized photos of yourself. You don't have to go far out of the city center to get to where there just aren't any foreigners. The Vietnamese people are very friendly and curious. Some of them will say hello and practice their English with you. Others will stare without mercy. I will be stopped on my motorbike and someone will pull right next to me--just inches away--and stare like a duck's giving birth to a pig. It's a little unsettling. So I figure, if I just carry a bunch of wallet sized photos of myself, I can just give them a photo.

Maybe you didn't know this or wouldn't suspect it, but avocado milkshakes are delicious. I drink them as much as possible, but I think maybe the avocado is going out of season. Like I said, the people here are very friendly. At the cafes I talk to them in their little English and/or my little Vietnamese. It's very fun and it's how I'm learning the language. A lot of the cafes have beautiful young women serving the refreshments, so my vocabulary consists basically of knowing how to ask if you have a boyfriend. Do you?