The Tragic Ballad of R. Sylvester W.

My New Project

2009-11-15T05:07:00.001-08:00

10 Yearz Progress

2009-06-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

Where have I been these last few months? Launching my rap career. Blog this. Tweet this. Get in on the ground floor and I'll thank you at the Grammys.

New Beginning

2008-12-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

I have started a new blog for another project I am working on. Please go to: Ryan tries to be a Novelist. I would be very grateful for your comments and support.

coming through the ear buds

2008-09-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

I've grown weary of new music, largely, and I have been looking backwards more than forward. I am really enjoying The Four Tops. Anyone would recognize a number of their songs, like 'Reach Out I'll Be There' and 'Get Ready.' I've always liked my music thick, and this old Motown stuff has the kind of broad arrangements I'm so easily pleased with. There are instruments beyond guitar, bass and drums, believe it or not. Great music. However, I did run into some 80's Four Tops stuff that was completely wretched in its synthesized god-awfulness.

Some newer music that I'm crazy about right now:

I don't work there anymore

2008-09-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hey I quit Comcast, and I couldn't be happier about it. Just thinking that I don't have to go back there makes me smile. However, I did get benefits, and I'm stockpiling insulin. Also I broke my tibia longboarding and I've had to get some care for that, so I'm making them pay for the time I put in one way or another.

I'm working at a residential youth center down the street. My commute will go from 45 minutes by car, to 5 minutes by bike. That's awesome, but the money isn't. My personal family unit may double in size next year, so finances are a concern of mine these days. I guess I should stop answering all my job interview questions by flexing my bicep, but I mean, check this out... (wait I guess you can't see that.)

Ho!!!

This is what I'm reading right now. It's incredibly funny, really. But it's just not that good. Read it if you want to have a laugh and don't mind egregious use of the 'f' word. I'll explain to the most innocent of you what the 'f'' word is in a future post:
\

It's not really all that Comcastic.

2008-08-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm still looking for work, but in the meantime I'm answering the angry phone calls of Comcast subscribers. Then when they think they have hung up but they haven't I listen to them argue with their spouses (standard or common-law). I'd blog more about this, but I have been instructed that blogging about my job there is not prudent.

The corporate world is incredibly lame. If I am going to sneeze between the hours of 5 and 6 I have to fill out a 'Health Accommodation Action Form' or HAAF. The movie 'Office Space' was never funnier or more depressing.

Having diabetes is like having a child. I'm tied down now. I'd happily shag golf balls for minimum wage while looking for a job that doesn't make me want to hang myself if I didn't have to get medical benefits. But my pancreas is about as good at producing insulin as SunnyD is at producing refreshing beverages, so can you tell me Who do you use for your home phone service? Did you know that by bundling you can save $75 on your monthly bill?

If anyone from Comcast is reading don't worry, I filled out the Blog Information Release Allowance Form,' or BIRAF.

WALL*E

2008-06-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

Let me say, in all honesty, that I am very excited to see this movie, and I will see it, which creates a certain level of hypocricy in this post.

I just find a little irony that this is a movie about an Earth that has been killed by consumerism, yet WALL*E has had the feces marketed out of it and toy shelves are overflowing with merchandise.

Truth is in 5 years official WALL*E merchandise is going to be filling landfills, such as; backpacks, binders, pens, pencils, pencil cases, pencil sharpeners, pencil boxes, pencil erasers, boxers, briefs, footy-pajamas, mustache wax, personal lubricant and industrial strength wood sealant.

Hold onto your mind: it's about to blow

2008-06-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

2008-05-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

My last post was fairly depressing, if not true. And I don't have an awful lot to blog about these days, so I would rather something else hung out on the top of this page for a long time.
Something like this:

Duracell Batteries.

I need a job.

2008-04-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

If you can help me somehow thanks in advance.

I have created an exercise for anyone who is thinking about earning a degree in English.

1. Create a resume with your English degree listed under 'Education'
2. Create a resume, but skip step'1'
3. Do you see a difference in your two (2) resume's? Employers don't.

I am interested in communications, advertising/marketing, education, social work, writing, second base for the St. Louis Cardinals or anything that would allow me to be creative, work with people in some significant way, or allow me to manage my fantasy baseball team all day.

I need something that has medical benefits to support this expensive insulin habit I have developed.

I'm also interested in positions (even beyond the interests listed above) that will help me pay for more schooling where I will earn a degree that someone gives a damn about.

I can live for free in Portland and Seattle (which is important to me right now), but really I just need to find work anywhere.

Being back in the States is alright. Looking for work sucks.

So, who do I sleep with?

Read/Watch The Onion

2008-04-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

Vietnam Farewell Tour

2008-04-14T13:27:00.001-07:00

Parting gifts for the monkeys and bears of Dam Sen Park

Ha Long Bay was beautiful and spooky.

Ben Tre was a peaceful, quiet place. I stayed in the middle of the jungle.

I'll explain later...

2008-03-26T05:16:00.001-07:00

This is what I look like right now. Photoshop makes this picture less frightening to you initially, but I assure you from deep within the bowels of my hideous smile, this is genuine.

2008-03-20T21:32:00.001-07:00

Grabby McGrew and the Power Gangers

2008-03-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

There is this girl in one of my classes that hangs off me like a koala on a eucalyptus tree or a neck tie on a diabetic Oregonian in Saigon. She is one of those 9 year-old girls that usually acts like a cat. When she stands up form her desk I hear the music from 'Jaws' and desperately try to escape, but usually she catches me anyway. When I walk by her desk I try to make a really wide arc, but it hardly ever stops her--Grabby McGrew has mad grabbing skills.
I like my students. I just don't like being a coat rack where my students are coats.
One good thing about Grabby McGrew is her classmate's backpack:

There is no power in gangs. I am sick of having to fight that false and dangerous sentiment among my dear Vietnamese students. Gangs are bad.

Air Bud: Sepak Bow-Wow!

2008-03-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know what you're favorite Air Bud movie is, there are like 8 to choose from. I guess my second favorite would be 'Air Bud Spikes Back'--the volleyball one. I say second favorite, because my primary favorite is the one I am presently writing the script for, 'Air Bud: Sepak Bow-Wow!' It's based on the obscure SE Asian sport of Sepak Takraw.
Actually I just wanted to play around with GIMP. It's basically free Photoshop. I realize my skills need development, but I just wanted to give it a quick try, and I was very happy with it. It's available on PC and Mac. I've been using a bit of open source Software lately, including the Thunderbird email client and Open Office for word processing. I think it's a good idea to support the creators of this software.

2008-03-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

Go Cardinals! No to Morons!

2008-03-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

Anyone that knows anything about me knows that I love the St. Louis Cardinals at unhealthy levels. What you should also know is the level at which I enjoy this picture, which is high to quite high. I've never been prouder to be a Cardinals fan:

Phone Pics

2008-02-27T03:22:00.000-08:00

Here's a couple photos from my phone.Me and the boys. This is one of my first graders notebooks. I've always said that nothing goes together like Bob Marley soloing, a snowman in a mortar board, a surfboard and a sinking school bus. Haven't you heard me say that 100 times?

Diabetes Pros

2008-02-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

There are a few positives about having diabetes. Firstly, my pancreas is more special than your pancreas. But it is not special in its abilities, but rather 'special' in its inabilities.

Anyone that has ridden in a car with me in the past two or three years is perfectly aware that until recently I have needed to pee every seven minutes (okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, let's say six and-a-half). It turns out my insatiable thirst was directly related to diabetes, and perhaps pre-diabetes (but I'm not sure if type 1 diabetics go through pre-diabetes). Since I started insulin my thirst has subsided as has my contemplation of getting my own personal catheter. The long bus rides I had recently in Cambodia were incredibly more tolerable than the ones I had in Laos the same time last year, when I was seriously considering peeing in my water bottle. Also last summer in Portland one time I ended up peeing on the side of building--like a drunk or homeless guy or like a drunk homeless guy--in perfect daylight and was happy not to get cited by a police officer.

Since I started insulin I have gained 5 kg. I have always been very skinny, and I have always hated being very skinny, and I have always blamed being very skinny for my inability to attract girls. The very skinniness is also related to my diabetes, so now I can gain some wait and some confidence, but on the downside I will have to face the real reasons girls don't like me--like my caustic bitterness, immaturity and the way I'm always asking them to make me a sandwich or why they are not presently making me a sandwich.

Also there is a certain level of vindication that comes with my diagnosis. I have been a bit sickly the last few years, and when I haven't been able to wake up in the morning, or I have had to call in sick to work or miss class, I have always thought that I was just a wimp, but it turns out that I was actually a wimp with undiagnosed diabetes. I seem to be sleeping less/requiring less sleep already.

Also, if someone really irritates me now, i can say this:
'I'll dia-beat your ass!'
(patent pending)

Ho Ngoc Ha

2008-02-19T01:46:00.000-08:00

I know everyone has been checking my blog every few minutes to see when I would write about the Ho Ngoc Ha concert I went to a couple nights ago, and I will make you wait no longer. I went with some friends to check out a concert, and Ha was the headliner. She's an actress/singer/model; basically she's like Paris Hilton, that is if Paris Hilton wasn't a waste of organs bone and flesh and wouldn't run over her own grandmother to make sure people are talking about her and also was the least bit attractive or talented.
So I'm not crazy about Vietnamese pop music but it was fun to experience a show like this. There were about six acts altogether and my favorite was this guy who was wearing a mesh shirt and dancing like Usher and Michael Jackson had somehow had a Vietnamese baby (I wouldn't put it past them). He had some sweet moves. I was sincerely impressed.
One group performed Brittany Spears' song 'Toxic.' I never liked the song until I heard it sung by APO- a Vietnamese pop group of four girls, but now I still don't like it.

Funny Websites

2008-02-15T20:43:00.001-08:00

First and foremost I would like to thank everyone for their zero (0) comments on my trip and pictures to Cambodia.
There is an information super highway full of lame stuff that's supposed to be funny, but some posters on my Cardinals message boards clued me into these two that actually made me LOL.

Fail

This site is a little ironic but very funny. I found my self to be a white person a number of times. There are entries about Yoga, Hating their Parents, Wes Anderson, Independent Music, Assists, Awareness, Farmers' Markets, Architecture, David Sedaris,; Great Stuff: Stuff White People Like
"Also, you might find yourself in conversation where you mention that you like something and there is an awkward silence indicating that it is not cool (like Ashton Kutcher). In this situation, uou must say “oh yeah, I also like [insert similar things]” and smile, the white people will laugh and all will be well."

"To a white person, being a fan of a band before they get popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. But BE WARNED, talking about Indie Music with white people is perhaps the most dangerous subject you touch upon. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules

Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable
Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable
If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of them, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible."

Internet Jukebox

2008-02-13T02:28:00.000-08:00

Search and play most anything you want here:
songza.com
As a laugh I looked up and they had all sorts of Young M.C. Not just 'Bust a Move' and 'Princpal's Office,' but also 'Fastest Rhyme' and 'Got More Rhymes.' This is important stuff from my childhood.

"I got more rhymes than the other guys do--they're just the monkey I'm the whole damn zoo."

Cambodge

2008-02-12T02:09:00.001-08:00

The faces of Bayon temple have been smiling for 800 years or so.

Ta Phrom. Angelina Jolie found one of her babies in here.

Climbing Phimeanakas Temple; making sure dorky hat stays on.

Dorky hat; 1,000 year old temple.
One time the guy sitting next to me on the plane was so fat he had to eat off of my fold down tray. But I'd say this baby sitting next to me on the way to Siem Reap was even cuter.

My visit to the Killing Fields was harrowing.

2008-02-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Volume I of Bob Dylan's Chronicles. In the name of Objectivity (I know in my autobiography I'm going to man the first successful blimp mission to the moon, shortly after freeing the Jews from Auschwitz) I usually avoid autobiographies, but I felt perfectly comfortable reading one by Dylan--primarily because I wanted to see how he strings words together. It was a nice read. It was interesting to read about his journey to become Bob Dylan as we know him, which interestingly enough, is not someone he necessarily wants to be.
The parts I appreciated the most were his discussions of his own creative processes. I also liked hearing him talk about other artists like Robert Johnson, Johnny Cash, N.W.A. and a hundred people I''ve never heard of but now want to. One particular chapter is the story of how he created an album, and reading about the pushing and pulling between himself and his producer was quite interesting.
Today celebrities seem to be dying for an opportunity to tell us who to vote for or what kind of (hybrid) car to drive. Just because they can sing or act real good they think it is there duty to go on cable telvision talk shows and tell us how to live our lives. I guess they feel they are in a position to spark change, and I suppose they are, relative to my own position, at least, but they all seem so out of touch. They want to be what Dylan was and didn't want to be. It was interesting that Dylan was never interested in being a voice of protest. He struggled under his label as a voice of a generation and did things (like recording strange albums and acting eccentricly in public) to shed that label.
Anyway, anyone the least bit interested in Dylan or his songs should read the book. Martin Scorcese made a documentary 'No Direction Home' that sort of plays as a companion piece, and the film is very good as well and allows you to hear the music.

2008-02-02T22:36:00.000-08:00

It hasn't taken me long to learn the basic rule of diabetes is 'if it's the least bit desirable, you can't eat it.' So I have been finding other ways to indulge myself, by watching a lot of the Oscar nominated movies--and I write about a few of them here.

'The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford'- Brad Pitt has a long history of long boring movies; 'A River Runs Through It,' 'Legends of the Fall,' 'Meet Joe Black,' 'Seven Years in Tibet.' Yes they're all long and boring, but also pretty good. So is this one.
For all the crap Ben Affleck takes, his little brother can act a little.
This movie is visually beautiful, and I wasn't surprised to see that the cinematographer was Roger Deakins, who I know from the Coen Brother's movies that always look different but awesome.

'Atonement'- The twist ending is laughably stupid.

'No Country For Old Men'-
I haven't seen 'There Will Be Blood' (looking forward to it), or 'Michael Clayton,' but I have a hard time imagining either are better than 'No Country.' I really liked this movie, not only because Josh Brolin gives it a 'Gooinies' connection, but also for some brilliant dialogue, and the performance of Javier Bardem, who I didn't know before this film. Like 'TAOJJBTCRF,' the pictures are
very beautiful.

'Juno'- Like 'Little Miss Sunshine' last year I'm really happy it was nominated for best picture, but only because I know it won't win. The director also did 'Thank You For Smoking,' which I would recommend.

'Once'- The movie is pretty good. The soundtrack is awesome.

A few days into type 1

2008-01-30T08:35:00.001-08:00

Today my loving mother talked to a diabetes nutritionist and then told me about the insulin pump, which will allow me to avoid shooting myself up with needles, and more importantly will allow me to eat a lot more like normal. Too bad it doesn't keep you from being a mediocre Major League pitcher, or Jason Johnson might still be throwing for the Tigers. Also it holds 0 mp'3's which is a serious disadvantage. Word has it the 25th Gen iPod will pump insulin, but by then McDonalds will have gallon fountain drinks and America will be so fat that they will have to pump insulin between the Sprite and Mountain Dew.

Currently I'm shooting up insulin the junkie way five times a day. I also prick my finger twice a day and run my blood through a little cell phone sized device to test my blood glucose.

There are certainly disadvantages to being in 'Nam as a new diabetic. I won't be able to get that pump here. There are no nutrition labels on the foods here. In the grocery store there isn't an entire row of low carb, sugar free foods here that I could close my eyes and almost pretend are Oreo's. I have seen nothing sugar-free besides gum and milk (I'm going to bring sugared milk back to the states with me for those that just don't get enough breakfast sugar in their Lucky Charms).

However, there are certain advantages to being on the Mekong with a sugar processing disfunctional pancreas as well. If I were uninsured in America all the medical stuff would cost me more. Also the price of produce is very low.

I'm lucky to have found a decent doctor who can I can communicate with easily.

Diabetes: Not Just For Fatties

2008-01-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to the doctor because my penis (That's right I said penis. Penis, penis, penis. Grow up!) hurt. The good news is I don't have syphilis.

I called my mom from the doctors office. And she got all nosy like mother's do. Get this: she asked me 'How are you?' Geez, what's with the 9th degree (what the hell does this phrase mean anyway?), Ma? What's next mom?Are you going to ask me if my penis hurts?

Anyway this is how it went.

Mom: How are you?
Ryan: Diabetic

And I wasn't joking. The Doctor found ketones in my pee.

^Me: Ketones!? So Tom Cruise isn't full of crap!

Vietnamese Doctor with excellent English: You're thinking of 'thetans,' and yes Tom Cruise is full of crap. Have you seen 'Top Gun,' that movie's lame even by Vietnamese film standards.

Me: So I won't have to go to Venus for re-implantation?

Doctor: Ehh... no.
^the conversation may not have gone exactly like this, however the first conversation is word for word

After the ketone discovery the doctor took my blood and found a lot of sugar in it. (Here I was thinking about making a 'because I'm so sweet' joke here, but decided it was too lame.) It had little to do with how nice I am to everyone, but much more to do with the diabetes I have.

I asked about ten different ways if the results could be an anomaly, caused by something else, or if the doctor was reading them upside down, but at the end of all the follow-up tests I had diabetes. Full on.

I have type 1 diabetes, most likely. So I'm going to have to prick my finger to test blood sugar and shoot up insulin several times a day. Today I shot up for the first time, and I gotta say I believe injecting yourself is easier than having it administered. The anticipation factor isn't there.

Good bye (I'm tearing up):

Saigon Traffic: More Details

2008-01-22T01:21:00.000-08:00

I know they say pictures are worth 1,000 words. I don't know what moving pictures count for, but I did make a grainy video of the traffic here. Anyway, I know that 1,000 words is worth at least roughly 1,000 words as well, but with the dollar in crisis and fluctuating exchange rates... I thought I would write about the traffic problems I face here every day (in no particular order).

General Info:

People often wonder what side of the road any given country drives on. In Vietnam, people may wonder, do they drive on the right or the left? The answer is yes. And on the sidewalk. On any given street there are one or two official lanes going this way and the opposite, and an unofficial lane going every conceivable direction but vertical.

A couple terms, or rather moves:
The Human Shield: When making a left-hand turn across a busy lane of traffic, wait for some other motorbike to start venturing through it and drive safely through his temporary, small traffic dam.
Piggy-Backing: People do stupid things in big long single-file lines, usually traveling in an unofficial lane. If the particular thing is convenient at any given time, you just add yourself to the line.

The Horns!!!:

Dear Lord in Heaven (I am not blaspheming or breaking any commandments here, this is a sincere prayer from my heart) the horns in Vietnam are overwhelming, and turning my nerves into 100% pure cancer (yes it's a possibility in the realm of physics--a note for the reader, not for God).

It is like early afternoon on December 25th and everyone in Vietnam got a horn this Christmas morning. If six people are already honking at a red light that will soon turn green, is it necessary to add your horn to the cacophony? I have started driving with headphones, which admittedly does not make this obscenely dangerous traffic any safer, but it does keep the bile from rising to my mouth.

Turn Signals:

Worthless.
You turn on your indicator and people continue to pass you on the side that you are clearly expressing your intentions to turn. I almost died a number of times before I caught onto this. If you think there isn't enough space between you and the curb for someone to disrupt your right-hand turn you are sorely mistaken. Of course they will honk their horn 18 times to make you aware of their presence, but because everyone else is also honking, this noxious noise gets lost in the ambiguity of the horrible horn noise pollution.

Laziest, Highest/Lowest Angle, Blindest Turning:

If you're pulling up to an intersection to turn right as true to the corner as possible, you are quite likely to run into someone turning left onto the road that you are on.

Moto-Conferencing:

People everywhere like to talk while they drive. It reduces boredom. If traffic sucks, it gets your mind off the slow progress you are making. It makes a chore a social activity. But when people are talking while driving on two different motorbikes on the narrow roads of Vietnam it can be quite troublesome. You want to get by them, but because they are looking at each other and not at the road the gap between them and to either side fluctuates so that's a bit like Indiana Jones diving under the lowering wall. So of course you honk at them, but they can't hear you over their own honks, which they are applying to make people aware of their dreadfully slow moving moto-conference.

Plenty more to come at a later date.

Duck/Fork Warning

2008-01-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

Today's lesson included the vocabulary 'duck' and 'fork.' I'll be honest, I didn't see the danger in this until the first Vietnamese 6-year-old got a little mixed up and swore at me viciously (and I'm not talking about the word 'dork,' which I didn't hear). I tried my best not to respond at all, but it was funny to hear the f-bomb dropped by such innocent aggressors.
One of my students showed up with this cupcake necklace (double-click on the picture for a better view). I think it's the coolest thing ever. Can you blame me for trying to steal it? I may have 20 years and 3 feet on her, but she played her ace card early, started crying, and is still the owner of the legendary jewelry. Can you believe that somehow I turned out to be the bad guy? Pfft!

Eating in Vietnam is usually pretty good. I do like eating Vietnamese food, but going to the non-touristy restaurants can be very challenging. Even when the menus are translated, the translations can be a little ambiguous. Last night I was pretty sure that I knew what the 'Pig's Anas' was, and that I was not interested. I even had guesses for what the 'Fried Shrimps in Rolling' might be all about. But I was baffled by the 'Sauteed Pork in Dog Pretending.' I didn't go for that. I felt like fish, and with the help of my cute waitress and some bizarre gesticulations, I got a really nice dish for the price of small fries at McDonalds.

American Gladiators Returns!

2008-01-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

So politicians and media won't shut up about steroid use 5 years ago in my beloved Major League Baseball, and meanwhile NBC is bringing back American Gladiators. Let me tell you one thing; nothing made me want to do steroids more as an 8-year-old than watching the jousting, hand-biking, tennis ball cannon-firing of the original American Gladiators.

I wouldn't let this new guy 'Titan' (above, left) wash the original Nitro's homoerotic unitard. Old names like 'Laser' and 'Tank' (nos. 1 and 2) have been replaced by 'Wolf' and 'Tor.' At least linking the generations and the 'roids is Hulk Hogan.

Quitting Paxil

2007-12-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

I take Paxil and it's nasty. It helped when I needed it to--during a time when I was suffering serious anxiety attacks that were leading to other health issues, such as nearly daily migraines and a rash that I would get in the sunshine (am I the only person you know who has been misdiagnosed with porphyria cutanea tardae?).
Over the last couple years I have felt that I am ready to move past this drug which can leave me kind of flat and lifeless from time to time.
But it's been too damn hard so far.
When I was given this prescription my doctor likely didn't know about the withdrawal that Paxil can often cause. I certainly didn't. The manufacturers don't call it 'withdrawal,' they call it 'discontinuation syndrome' because they figure they can sell more pills that way.
Watch this video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=hfQUTHrWnRk
Or just skip to about 4:50, and you can see a page from the packet given to pharmaceutical representatives trying to push this drug. We see under a heading 'Discontinuation: Why this is an issue' a big sack of money with a '$' a la old cartoons.
So anyway, some people are getting pretty rich shoving pills down people's throats while I am suffering electric shock sensations, dizziness, headaches, moments of profound stupidity and confusion, terrifying unending--uncontrollable streams of thoughts running around my brain, horrible lucid dreams that make sleep worthless (leaving me sleeping an awful lot and still tired), and an altogether, overall worthlessness: I can't function while trying to quit this drug.
I don't have 8 weeks to just lie in bed while this drug works its way out of my body. Shortly after I received my prescription giant pharmaceutical Glaxo Smith Kline changed the literature provided to patients and doctors to include the serious number of incidents of 'discontinuance.' I didn't get in on the lawsuit against GSK, and I don't want their money. But I'd love to kick someone in the crotch about it.
America is one of only two Western western countries that allows mass marketing of pharmaceuticals.

2007-12-18T21:25:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone or anyone. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I got the help of some of my friends. Perhaps they struggle with remembering the words, but the sincerity is there.

As for a gift, here is an idea for a movie you could write:

Steven Segal has 3 days to learn to sculpt busts at a professional level or his son will be drafted to the front lines of Iraq. The only problem is Segal is slowly turning into a vegetable... or a fruit--either is fine.

That should make you a couple mil easy.

Everything is good here in Nam.
I love (some of) You

Happy Helmet Day!

2007-12-16T04:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday maybe 3 out of 100 motorbike drivers I saw was wearing a helmet. Today it was more like 97 out of 100. Pretty crazy. I knew that a helmet law was coming about, I just thought no one was actually going to follow through.
It was a bit surreal really. It's like going to the mall and seeing the herds all wearing mittens for some reason. My theory is that people will just drive more dangerously to compensate for the added safety of the helmet. The most reassuring thing is that the children and babies are wearing helmets now too. When people ride with toddlers, the kids often just stand on the seat between mom and dad... at least they're in helmets now.

December 3

2007-12-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a tip for traveling in Vietnam. Bring a couple dozen wallet-sized photos of yourself. You don't have to go far out of the city center to get to where there just aren't any foreigners. The Vietnamese people are very friendly and curious. Some of them will say hello and practice their English with you. Others will stare without mercy. I will be stopped on my motorbike and someone will pull right next to me--just inches away--and stare like a duck's giving birth to a pig. It's a little unsettling. So I figure, if I just carry a bunch of wallet sized photos of myself, I can just give them a photo.

Maybe you didn't know this or wouldn't suspect it, but avocado milkshakes are delicious. I drink them as much as possible, but I think maybe the avocado is going out of season. Like I said, the people here are very friendly. At the cafes I talk to them in their little English and/or my little Vietnamese. It's very fun and it's how I'm learning the language. A lot of the cafes have beautiful young women serving the refreshments, so my vocabulary consists basically of knowing how to ask if you have a boyfriend. Do you?

Go ahead and complain about American traffic

2007-11-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

Here is a little video I made of the traffic in Saigon. It is horrible.

Post1

2007-11-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Ryan here. I have been meaning to start a blog for a while but here in Vietnam I could not get the setup pages to display in English so I had to get some help.
Here in Vietnam I have seen the genesis of the 'Asians are bad drivers' stereotype, and believe me, I will have trouble arguing against that blatant generalization. There will be more written about this topic.
Above is a picture of some of my first graders. Maybe they appear cute to you, but they are cut like squirrels; they are ridden with diseases. I can't remember a time my nose wasn't running in Vietnam. I teach 1st graders and 4th graders and I usually enjoy it a lot. I especially enjoy the 1st graders. All you have to do is sing 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' and they're yours forever.
I really enjoy Vietnam. It's fun to be traveling, meeting people and experiencing a new culture. And besides, solid bowel movements are extremely overrated. Actually the food is really good and agreeable. It's also dirt cheap.
Another thing I like about Vietnam is that the girls here are attracted to me. In America girls always made me feel hideously disfigured and worthless--if they were attracted to me in any way it was a 'What the hell is that thing?' can't take my eyes off the trainwreck sort of thing. Yes, American girls, I hate you all. I will be home soon enough for you to commence ripping my heart out, throwing it on the ground and urinating on it before transplanting it in my body, resecetating me and repeating the process again and again.
I do struggle with bitterness, believe it or not (see previous paragraph). But the truth is I am very happy here. Everyday is an adventure. I truly believe my bitterness and natural tendency to be ungrateful are wearing down here. The perspective I am gaining here is a blessing to me. However, American girls, there will always be enough hate for you in my heart.